Wednesday, September 19, 2018

So what's been going on.... pregnancy and life update

It's been awhile!! Wow, time certainly does fly when you are busy! I haven't had a lot of time or energy to put into the blog lately. I told myself earlier this year that I wanted to start creating better content on this blog and giving this blog a face lift, but with that comes a need for, in my opinion anyways, a great work space (a great and comfortable work space creates great energy, creativity, inspiration and motivation for the work that you are doing). I haven't had a great space in my home that I feel great and productive in. To be honest, my current home has never felt like a home to me. I live in my husband's family home that most of his family members on his father's side has lived in at one point or another. It's a very very old house in a crappy area with crappy people. The house is in poor shape and it leaves my husband and I constantly overwhelmed and stressed out and we do what we can and make the best of what we have. Don't get me wrong... I am completely blessed and grateful for a roof over our heads no matter the condition, but it's not the ideal living conditions and we just can't afford to go anywhere else at the moment. 

Time and energy is also another need. I am always so tired with my pregnancy and time alone to actually work on stuff is pretty much nonexistent. Hubby has work, he's a full time student and a lot of other things on his plate. So, it's hard for me to pass our daughter off on him for some alone time to work on things even if it is for an hour or 2 a day or even a few days out of the week. With a second child coming... things will be even busier. We'll have to figure something out as a family that will allow me some time to do my work, which also includes earning my certifications for weight loss coaching and personal training and also working with clients online. 

My work space or lack thereof has really affected my work. My reasoning behind the lack of content on this blog and the reason why I currently don't have a finished and published book as of yet. I never really realized how important a work space was until I really wanted to get serious about taking this blog and the Huff 'n Puff to Buff 'n Tough brand to the next level and writing a book. I don't feel inspired, but I am taking my own advice and using what I currently have to do what I can at the moment.

My family and I have been trying to move for a long time, but it just hasn't happened and we're hoping to make it happen soon and that things will change for us.

If you follow me on social media, then you know that I regularly post on there because it's a lot easier. Even though I haven't been as consistent with my lack of energy levels and the pregnancy, I am still updating more on there (weekly) than I am on here.

My pregnancy has been draining me! It has seriously been night and day between this pregnancy and my first. It's been extremely challenging and a little scary for me... mentally. I recently came across a post on facebook that I decided to share and respond to on my personal because I could totally relate and I wanted to share my story and experience.

My response:

This is how my first was. My pregnancy wasn't bad. I was finally pregnant after struggling with pcos and infertility. I was having what I wanted, a girl! Excited, scared, feeling terrible with normal pregnancy symptoms, but were bearable and only had a few intense moments. My daughter was a chill baby in the womb. A kick here and there. A little squirm every now and then. She loved her cozy little space.

I dealt with some blue moods throughout. Few emotional outbursts.... No matter what I dealt with... I always knew I'd make it through this pregnancy. I never had a moment or thought in my mind that I would not make it through. The birth came and I was traumatized. My doctor wasn't there to deliver. The on call doctor did. A doctor with an old school mentality whose first reaction was an episiotomy (cut front to back for me) versus tearing. My hubby didn't get to cut the cord. Even the nurses were shocked by how everything was being handled by this doctor.

I didn't get to see or hold my baby for about 20 minutes. When I did and she was placed on my chest skin to skin. I had my bonding moment taken away from me because within 2 minutes of her being placed on me... my room unexpectedly filled up with a large group of overbearing visitors after I JUST gave birth. No warning, no freshening up and preparing... NOTHING! My baby was placed on my chest, a sheet was tossed on me and in came visitors. Needless to say, another traumatizing moment. I didn't get to be the first to announce my baby's arrival on social media. In fact, I didn't get to announce my baby's arrival until I came home from the hospital and I was more alert.

Recovery was hell. All but 1 nurse wanted to deny me pain meds. It was painful to sit on my bottom. I could barely walk without being in excruciating and agonizing pain due to the surgical cut. Yet, I tried to play it off as if nothing was wrong to any and all visitors. Stressed out, tired, in pain, constantly being bothered by visitors over welcoming their stay.

I struggled hard postpartum to say the least. I found myself filled with extreme anxiety with my baby and being a first-time mom in the first week. I was in pain and could barely move. My stitches ended up getting infected in the first week. That's when they finally decided to give me some pain meds along with antibiotics to help. The next week I came down with a skin infection in my belly button due to my weight rapidly decreasing and the loose skin.

On top of that all, I felt very out of sorts, which is to be expected for a while after giving birth. I found myself still recovering physically, mentally and emotionally after almost a year and a half postpartum. I will just leave it at that.

My first born is now 4. Expecting my second child in December. Came as a total surprise. I wasn't pushing for it as I felt that one was enough of a handful already. Symptoms started out the same as with the first. Insomnia, nausea, a huge appetite at the same time. Then, things started to turn quickly as I started getting extreme nausea and no days of relief.

Symptoms with this pregnancy definitely became a lot worse then my first one. I started feeling little bouts of depression as the days went on with no relief from morning sickness. I was having trouble coping. This time just wasn't the same. I can count maybe like only two times where I felt excited to be having another child. I've been feeling more panicky this time around. I've been constantly getting sick with colds and severe cases of strep. I started breaking mentally because this pregnancy has been so physically, mentally and emotionally taxing. Not feeling good every single day of every trimester with maybe like one good week of relief in the second trimester can break you down pretty good. Between this pregnancy and the last, it is day and night. It is a complete 180.

I'm having a boy this time around. He's an active one. He is constantly moving. He doesn't like small spaces and he loves to stretch out as much as he can. The movements are painful. He's always striking nerves. Throughout this pregnancy, I have actually crossed paths with the thoughts of, "I don't know if I can do this." Constantly having to fight these thoughts by reassuring myself that I can do this. I am strong and amazing. It's only temporary and it will be over soon and I will be back to feeling like myself eventually. I found myself struggling mentally, physically and emotionally 3 times more this time around.

I don't know what this birth, recovery and postpartum will bring to me this time around. But now experienced and knowing what I want and don't want this time around. Having a set birth plan in place with everything (that I can control anyways) from what I want dealing with visitors and privacy to having a midwife that I love and is the sweetest on my medical team this time around and knowing her and her teams philosophy towards childbirth... It puts me at ease a little bit and maybe just a pinch more of confidence then I had the first time around.

No, people don't really talk about the dark parts of pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Women like to hide it, put on an act for the world as if everything is fine and perfect, but suffer alone behind closed doors and never talk about it. If you can help someone else with your story and expierence why not help?! I think part of the reason is because we get shamed for every little thing we do these days. We face backlash and tons of judgement from other women when it should be the total opposite.

A lot of women don't talk about it because just like how I felt and still sometimes feel... Like we're not allowed to talk about our struggles with pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. It takes vulnerability and a thick skin to open up to others. I've experienced the effects of sharing my story and watching it help hundreds, maybe even thousands. I wouldn't trade it for the world and will continue to use my platform to share the many parts of my story and life on certain issues to help others to let them know that they are not alone. 


I am already in the third trimester and within a few days I will be at 30 weeks and starting the 10 week countdown! 

Workouts have definitely slowed down since the end of my second trimester, but I'm still going. I don't put pressure on myself to workout. I workout when I feel good enough to. I am still walking and running 5K's and having a great time doing them throughout this pregnancy. The weightlifting has slowed down tremendously though. I'm lucky to even get 2-3 workouts in a week. My last 5K for this pregnancy will be next month and it's a Halloween race, so I'll be in costume! Yay!!! 

Even though my due date is December 2nd (2 days before my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), we are preparing for this baby to come in November. We keep getting the feeling that he won't last in my belly until December. We keep thinking he may come sometime around Thanksgiving or Black Friday, which is fine by me! 

To be honest, I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy at all like I did with my first. I am still completely blessed and grateful that I get to be able to do this, but this pregnancy did not come without it's own set of challenges. I'm just ready to start the next chapter of my life and transformation.

Thanks for reading!

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