Monday, December 5, 2016

Anxiety Stories

Anxiety: A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: Severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities.

Social Anxiety Disorder: A chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety.

I've often said that I wanted to do my part to help break the stigma of mental illness. I told you from the very beginning of this journey that I would remain an open book when it came to my mental health disorders as well as this weight loss and fitness transformation and journey. It's moments like the one that happened a few days ago that always reminds me that I still have extremely tough days and that loved ones still get extremely frustrated with me to the point of thinking and saying hurtful things without thinking and knowing that they will NEVER truly understand unless they had the disorder themselves. 😢 

I went to the mall to exchange something and I thought we were all going in together like we always do majority of the time. Well, my daughter was sleeping and I was told by hubby to run in by myself to exchange it. I told him no, I feel uncomfortable going in by myself tonight. I wasn't mentally prepared to go in by myself and he got angry with me and said some hurtful things some of which included, "You can get on stage half naked and compete in a bodybuilding competition and weightlifting competitions, but you can't go into the mall by yourself... You're full of shit." That really hurt me. One, I haven't even competed yet and in those cases, not only do I have to physically prepare for those events, but I have to MENTALLY PREPARE for those things as well. I can run errands by myself, go into a nail salon by myself to get my nails done, run races alone, I can go into a store alone to get things. So I had a bad fucking day with anxiety, sue me! Sometimes there are still days when my anxiety gets the best of me and I may have some trouble doing everyday things like that, but it doesn't last forever. I have more good days than bad nowadays, but just because I am in that position doesn't mean that anxiety and attacks won't pay me a visit at any moment in time and in it's most crippling form. It was the worst night I've had in a long time and it's days like that where I don't feel like a normal functioning human being and low patience and insults only make me feel worse. Things were talked out the next night after a bad day at what was suppose to be my 30th birthday celebration and he apologized. He explained to me that he was stressed with all that has been going on with work, school and the troubling news we have been getting lately dealing with our housing situation and our daughter's health.

His explanation summed up: It was like the breaking point for me. After the tough week we both have had and then that. With all of the progress you've made I thought you weren't dealing with much of that anymore and with you trying to compete and everything else, it just seemed silly to me at the time that you couldn't go into the mall on your own. I tend to forget that's not how anxiety works and it can hit you at anytime. I know it takes a lot of work and courage to get on stage and to compete in any sport. I wasn't thinking about your anxiety and I honestly didn't think it was one of those days for you. I tend to forget sometimes that you still have bad days and that you will probably always deal with anxiety in some way and that it may never completely go away.

Hubby has and will always support me in my journey and whatever it is I chose to do. He supports all of my dreams, goals and also myself on stage being in the best shape of my life in a bikini presenting my physique and hard work in competitions as well as my competitive weightlifting dreams and journey, but just like any person having to make sacrifices as all families do to emotionally and financially support loved ones with huge dreams and also those that take care of loved ones with with mental health disorders tend to get frustrated and stressed out to the max at times. It's hard from both sides, but we need to learn the tools to help one another cope, survive, and support. 💖💑

His apology was accepted. He felt really sad about what he said and how he acted and I feel like it just weighed him down more. 😞 I know I don't always help a situation when things are already stressful and I can be difficult to handle at times. I know that loved ones will sometimes not understand things or say something they didn't mean and sometimes say things that are hurtful. That's life. It happens. None of us are perfect and we all screw up. All loved ones, spouses, friends, etc. have their asshole moments and it's to be expected and those moments all have consequences. Forgive, but never forget. We are stronger because of our struggles. Few days later I went into the mall alone with no issues because I was fine that day.         

I want everyone with disorders to know... You are not alone, you are not pathetic, you are beautiful, you are YOU... So own that shit! 

To the loved ones of sufferers... Be kind, have patience, lift them up not talk down to them. We are human too so be a friend and ally not a jackass. Do your research on how to help them, while not forgetting about your own wellbeing. It's tough for both parties, but that's why it's important for all involved to learn the necessary tools needed to help one another.

I share my struggles and stories because I want you to know that you are not alone. I share because I want you to know that you can still achieve so many amazing things while having these nasty disorders.

#mentalhealth #anxietydisorders #anxietystories

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